Who Needs Sleep?

Who needs sleep? (Well, you're never gonna get it)

Who needs sleep? (Tell me what's that for)

Who needs sleep? (Be happy with what you're getting,

there's a guy who's been awake since the Second World War)

Anyone else remember this Barenaked Ladies song?  No?  Just me?  Okay...

As a mother, especially a mother of little people, sleep is a precious and rare commodity, elusive and even at times non-existent.  During those first months home from the hospital, sleep is such a distant memory that the thought of what you have been missing for weeks on end brings tears (and lots of them) to your eyes.

This is the part where I admit, though, that both my boys are actually excellent sleepers.  Both started sleeping through the night right at about 8-weeks old (like, 10 hours of sleeping though the night), and other than the normal sleep regressions, teething and whatnot, once they are asleep, for the most part they stay asleep.  So these days I cannot really blame my sleep deprivation on my 2.5-year old and 4-month old.

Nope, my lack of sleep is completely my own doing.

As soon as both boys are officially asleep - usually somewhere between 8:00 and 9:00 PM - there is a magic moment of realizing that I am "Free!  Body and soul free!" It's a monstrous joy, the thought that I can finally live for myself.  My fancy runs riot along the hours ahead of me (any Kate Chopin fans out there?).  There is so much I could do!  Get some work done on the computer, watch a show, read a book, write a blog post, work on a house project, exercise!  

But then I realize I am tired.  And then I start looking around at the day's devastation all around me.  And then I am exhausted.

Sleep, of course, is probably the best thing I could be doing in times like these, but for some reason I just can't bring myself to go to bed.  It almost feels like a FOMO thing (Fear Of Missing Out).  If I go to sleep, then I am missing the opportunity for alone time, because heaven knows I'm not going to be getting any of it for at least the next 24 hours.  Or maybe it's fearful anticipation.  If I go to bed, then that means I have to wake up, and when I wake up, that means the kids are awake and it starts all over again.  So if I never go to bed... then the kids will never wake up! (I don't claim that any of this has any logic to it.)

So whether it's FOMO or just plain FO, I weirdly stay up incredibly late doing nothing particularly productive or even relaxing or entertaining.  And the sleep deprivation continues.

Actually, I usually end up scrolling through pictures of my boys on my phone, missing their cute faces...